******* Emo Post.*****

It's been some time since i last blogged.




So many things have happened over a short 8 days. My mind consist of jumbled thoughts and feelings. so many things i want to say but i'm being restricted. Over the 8 days, there were happiness, sorrows, agony, confusion, angst and not to leave out depression.

What is in my mind is something i cant decipher myself, it keeps repeating itself at the back of my head even when i don't want to think about it. i feel i've lost my fomer self, where there were no restrictions in actions. i've heard very ghastly things, some i still can't believe and don't want to believe. I cant believe my friend standing at someone else side and is flaming me. i know you are disappointed in me, but i'm very much disappointed in you as much as you are. Talking about how much i've changed, you dare say you didn't? you very much changed as much as i do.

you say that i'm a bad person, you always remember all the bad things i've done but have you ever remember all the things i've done for you? you cast a bad light on me, what do you stand to gain from it? i'm very sad that things have turned out this way, years of friendship only to go down the drain. i'm only human, it's human nature to err but i'm being condemn to you. i've got my life to live, i cant plan my life according to what you want me to. i don't want to go out with you doesnt mean you mean nothing in my life, it is just i'm not interested in that activity. i find it fair that i want to do what makes me happy. i believe you would too. you can't force people against their will and use friendship and temper to enforce it.

you want me to forget the person i like, but could do so easily? i saw you cried, i consoled you and asked if you were ok, were you there to do the same for me when i was feeling low? you feel jealous of others, why? why must you feel this way, to me you aren't inferior to any of them. you say i don't treat you as good as others because of the way you look. but look how long have we been friends. Do you treat all your friends the same? it is natural that you treat different people differently, because people are different. you have always gave me an independent security that you do not need me to give you much assurance. anyway, for now things looks way out of hand, i wonder what the future bring about our friendship.

My bioclock has been edited, i've been sleeping in the morning and waking up at night and do night walking, sometimes wandering alone at night, pondering over things and thinking of a solution. i feel so helpless, i always wished how things could be so simple and perfect. My life isn't that perfect, i've got my own woes and despairs. Things happened to fast for me to even know what was going on, before i have any idea, i'm bombarded with problems. why do i have all this problems it is because i still care for all of my friends. i don't want to lose you guys but because of certain problems, i'm starting to see the crack line and i'm thinking hard how to salvage the problem.

I know many people are unhappy with me, what can i do? i sometimes wished i could just leave all of this behind but i can't. i know it is the things i do but sometimes things do not always go the way it plans cause the world isn't perfect in the first place. you may want to do this today and have everything all drawn up but on that very day, a relative passed away and you are unable to do it. this is how harsh the world is. the same goes for my dentist appointment i've procrastinate for 3 days already. the first day i couldn't get up and decided to go the next day and when i did, it was closed. so i could only go on the 3rd day. i want to be that perfect friend for everybody but is that possible? unfortunately, "PERFECT" doesnt exist in this world.

As for the east coast thing, it is all my fault if i know how to go there by myself, all these wouldn't have happened. I didn't expect things to turn out this way. blame me for being so disorganized and stupid for not knowing how to go to east coast. i'm the root of the problem and i'm very sorry about it, hope things will blow over soon. :(

today i stayed at home the whole day, i didn't go out. i had no mood at all, i spent my time sleeping and i really wish i could just sleep forever. when i was sleeping, my mom came in and pat my head, i felt loved. My mum is my best friend which will never be angry with me or backstab me. when she has finished asking me how was i, i very much wanted to hug her and tell her how much i love her. <3 mummy.



What people see is the surface of ben, not many people understand ben, even ben don't even understand himself. what he wants? what he needs and what he expects. ben is lost and confused. luckily i still have Bf, he makes the efforts to understand me and how i feel, he feels unjust for me when what the rumours said are not true because he knows ben isn't such a person.

Ben is doesn't think before he talks and ben is sorry for it.
Ben is poor and ben is sorry for it.
Ben is stupid and ben is sorry for it.
Ben is not a good friend and ben is sorry for it.
Ben neglects some of his friends and ben is sorry for it.
Ben do not know how to control his feelings and actions and ben is sorry for it.
Ben can't be that good friend and be there by your side and ben is sorry for it.
Ben does stupid things and ben is sorry for it.
Ben can't do what you want him to and ben is sorry for it.
Ben wans to be perfect.





I wish things will turn out for the better. *prays to the Shooting star*